If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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