I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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