vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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