He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
