my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
