Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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