You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
