I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
