Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
