Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
