Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
