Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
