you're like a bully in the Christmas story
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize