And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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