the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
