in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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