Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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