i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
