i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
