I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
