Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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