I just pynch a tree in the face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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