So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
