the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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