at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
