apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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