I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
