I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
