Your face is a jimmy john
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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