the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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