you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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