watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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