Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
