I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
