Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
