i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
