the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
