I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
