Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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