It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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