did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
