Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
