if you like me you must not know who I am
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
