Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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