she kept yelling 'call me bella'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
