ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
