The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
