Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
