Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
