i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have fence marks all over my body
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
