Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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