Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
