then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
