you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize