Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
