i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
