so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize