and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
