Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
