He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
